The Warning Signs of Abuse in the Relationship
He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners
When you hear that another woman considers him abusive, always find a way to get her side of the story
He is disrespectful toward you
He does favors for you that you don’t want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable
He is controlling
He is possessive
Nothing is ever his fault
He is self-centered
He abuses drugs or alcohol
He pressures you for sex
He gets serious too quickly about the relationship
He intimidates you when he’s angry
He has double standards
He has negative attitudes toward women
He treats you differently around other people
He appears to be attracted to vulnerability
What, then should you do to protect yourself from having a relationship turn abusive?
- Make it clear to him as soon as possible which behaviours or attitudes are unacceptable and cannot continue.
- If it happens again, stop seeing him for a substantial period of time.
- If it happens 3 or more times, chances are great that he has an abuse problem and you need to leave the relationship.
When Is It Clearly An Abusive Relationship?
The defining point of an abusive relationship is when the man starts to exercise power over you in a way that causes harm to you and creates a privileged status for him.
He retaliates against you for complaining about his behaviour
He tells you that your objections to his mistreatment are your own problem
He gives apologies that sound insincere or angry, and he demands that you accept them
He blames you for the impact of his behaviour
It’s never the right time, or the right way, to bring things up
He undermines your progress in life
He denies what he did
He justifies his hurtful or frightening acts or says that you “made him do it.”
He touches you in anger or puts you in fear in other ways
He coerces you into having sex or sexually assaults you
His controlling, disrespectful, or degrading behaviour is a pattern
You show signs of being abused
Material adapted from Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that?”